Top 75 Best Funny Quotes Life And Funny Sayings “In some countries, it’s not illegal to escape prison providing no other laws are broken, as it’s human nature to want to escape.
Looking for funny quotes for your spare time? Here are the best 75 Best Funny Life quotes and humor Funny Sayings. photo credits Pinterest
Best Funny Quotes
“1. Lord, please give me patience because if you give me strength I’ll need bail money too…”
“2. I disagree with the term “Gay rights”. Why would there be gay rights? Just call it human rights, anyone should have the same rights! This is equality.”
“3. Math Mental Abuse To Humans.”
“4. I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured-I’ve thought about it, and am confident in my decision.”
“5. Welcome to my mind… please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs in at all times. Don’t feed the animals, drink the water or talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride!”
“6. Did you know “Diet” stands for: Did I eat that?”
“7. Oh, you’re a firefighter, paramedic or EMT? That’s cool. I wanted to do that when I was a kid. What do you make? What do I make? “I make holding your hand seem like the biggest thing in the world when I’m cutting you out of a car. I can make 5 minutes seem like a lifetime when I go into a burning house to save your family. I make those annoying sirens seem like angels when you need them. I can make your children breathe when they stop. I can help you survive a heart attack. I make myself get out of bed at 3 am to risk my life to save people I’ve never met. Today I might make the ultimate sacrifice to save your life. I make a difference, what do you make?” Re-Post if you are on fire or EMS services or love someone who is!”
“8. I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I’d say my people skills are improving.”
“9. Walks into a kitchen at 2 am … wow okay… I need to be quiet… trips over the chair breaks a leg, catches the house on fire”
“10. I’m always forced to do shit I’m not qualified for. Like being nice to fucking idiots.”
“11. I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.”
“12. H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k.= Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge.”
“13. I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little asshole bit me”
“14. My doctor asked me if I had ever had a stress test? Yes – I replied it’s called life”
“15. A guide to deduction 1760. Someone who has obscured or removed fingerprints may work regularly with pineapple, which degrades meat.”
“16. Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”
“17. Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them.”
“18. I’ve reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.”
“19. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.”
“20. Math the only place where people buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why..”
“21. You know you’re over 50 when you get up from the sofa to get your reading glasses, do six other things, forget your glasses and sit down on the sofa again.”
“22. There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.”
“23. I’m sorry if you don’t like my honesty, but to be fair I don’t like your lies.”
“24. No, you’re right: let’s do it the dumbest fucking way possible because it’s easier for you.”
“25. You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers.”
“26. If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.”
“27. Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of barley and hops and a pair of flip flops.”
“28. Love me? Great. Hate me? Even better. Think I’m ugly? Don’t look at me. Don’t know me? Don’t judge me. Think you know me? You have no idea.”
“29. I’ve taken up photography because it’s the only hobby where you can shoot people and cut their heads off without going to jail.”
“30. I look at people sometimes and think …realy? That’s the sperm that won?!”
“31. I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actress…”
“32. If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.”
“33. This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like it.”
“34. Why does the need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?”
“35. I’m great in bed. I can sleep for days.”
“36. Don’t worry about getting older. You still get to do stupid things, only slower.”
“37. I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality you can’t handle!”
“38. The first rule of house cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone”
“39. When I’m bored, nobody texts me. When I’m busy bam! I’m the most popular person on the planet.”
“40. Coffee: the starter fluid for the morning impaired!”
“41. She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated, for exactly who she was.”
“42. I remember years ago when all I wanted to be was older I was wrong!!!”
“43. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.”
“44. Some people call me crazy. I prefer the term happy with a twist.”
“45. The difference between a pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza.”
“46. When I feel down and someone tells me to “Suck it up”. I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say “walk if off””
“47. I’m 147 pounds of pale skin and fragile bones. Sarcasm is my only defense.”
“48. When someone loves you, they don’t have to say it always, but you can always know it by the way they treat you.”
“49. What’s mickey without Minnie, what’s pigglet without pooh, what’s Donald without daisy, that’s me without you. When ariel doesn’t sing, and pooh bear hates honey, when tigger stops bouncing, and goofy isn’t funny. When peter pan can’t fly, and simba never roars, when alice in wonderland can’t fit through small doors. When dumbo’s ears are small, and happily ever after isn’t true, that’s when I’ll stop loving you.”
“50. Dear stomach, you’re bored, not hungry. So shut up.”
“51. I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed asleep”
“52. I don’t have brain farts my brain completely shits its pants from time to time”
“53. I’m not rude, I’m honest.”
“54. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.”
“55. My momma didn’t raise a fool. A fucking psycho maybe, but no fool.”
“56. The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember it”
“57. “Did you just fall?” “Noo. I attacked the floor.”
“58. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea… but I drink coffee. So fuck them.”
“59. Hurt me and you’re going to feel pain. Hurt my best friend and you’re going to need an ambulance. Hurt my family… I’m going to need a shovel.”
“60. Always remember… Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.”
“61. You talk so much shit I don’t know whether to offer you a breath mint or toilet paper”
“62. I have to stop saying “How stupid can you be?” some people are starting to take it as a challenge.”
“63. We all know someone who speaks fluent shit.”
“64. Back in my day, we didn’t have as many warning labels. People weren’t so fucking stupid.”
“65. I never dreamed I’d grow up to be an asshole but here I am killin’ it”
“66. Yeah, I’ve got O.C.D old, cranky and dangerous.”
“67. Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you and the tremendous impact you’ve made on their life. It isn’t me… I think you’re a fucking idiot.”
“68. “I took an arrow in the knee” is an old norse slang for getting married. That’s why guys get down on onle knee to propose… mind blown.”
“69. I don’t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath.”
“70. I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked”
“71. Friends are like boobs some are big some are small some are real some are fake”
“72. Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.”
“73. How it feels when my foot is asleep.”
“74. I hate it when the voices in my head go silent… I never know what those fuckers are planning…”
“75. Whiskey the night time sniffling sneezing, how the fuck did I end up on the bathroom floor medicine!”
