Funny Quotes Of The Day And Short Funny Sayings “I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way. The hilarious moment is always memorable in life. But here is not that type you can laugh and what you are. Photo credits Pinterest
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Funny Quotes
Funny sayings and funny quotes “Know it’s ok to let things go… there is beauty in change…” Heather Stillufyon
#1. “Be the reason someone feels welcomed. Seen, heard, valued, loved, and supported.”
#2. “I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.”
#3. “Today is the kind of day where I wish vodka came out of my shower.”
#4. “Real girls are never perfect and perfect girls are never real.”
#5. “One day… I’m gonna make the onions cry.”
#6. “To my children don’t make fun of me for asking questions about my cell phone. I once taught you how to use a spoon.”
#7. “You have to do what is right for yourself nobody else is walking in your shoes. Walking in your shoe…”
#8. “Be patient… Where there is love good things will grow.”
#9. “Remember, most of your stress comes from the way you respond, not the way life is. Adjust your attitude, and all that extra stress is gone.”
#10. “Sometimes giving yourself a break is the very thing you need.”
Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh
#11. “I am always with you. Be bow, have courage, and love life.”
#12. “I will get there but right now I am here and here is wonderful.”
#13. “Get rid of what see doubt is holding you back.”
#14. “Whatever you decide to do in life, make sure it makes you happy.”
#15. “Just be you with a positive vibe.”
#16. “Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener.”
#17. “We rise by lifting others.”
#18. “Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.”
#19. “I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.”
#20. “Let’s face it – some people drain the nice right out of you.”
Funniest Quotes To Make You Smile
#21. “Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
#22. “We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.”
#23. “I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.”
#24. “One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.”
#25. “It is not about who you impress. It is about who you impact.”
#26. “Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. ~ Arnold h. Glasow”
#27. “Dear bestie, I hope we are besties forever. Even after we die, we can become ghosties and scare people forever.”
#28. “Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.”
#29. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough”
#30. “You can’t have everything, where would you put it?”
Best Funny Quotes and sayings
#31. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve martin”
#32. “Of course, I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me?”
#33. “Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.”
#34. “You are living proof that god has a sense of humor.”
#35. “You make me wish I had more middle fingers.”
#36. “Motivational tip of the day: get your shit together”
#37. “If stumble, make it part dance if stupid could fly, you would be a jet.”
#38. “I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.”
#39. “It is astonishing how long it takes to finish something you are not working on.”
#40. “Focus on the Good… don’t let the negatives control your dank.”
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Funny Quotes Of The Day
“1. One day youtube, twitter and facebok will join together and be called… Youtwitface.”
“2. Have you ever made a toy squeak its last squeak it changes you man!.”
“3. It’s a beautiful day to leave me alone.”
“4. Me… jog??? Pffffft… if you see me running. You better run too cuz there’s something chasing me!.”
“5. I sold the dog on craigslist twice!.”
“6. That moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master.”
“7. I’m so bored of being bored. Because being bored is really boring.”
“8. If it’s the thought that counts then I should probably be In jail.”
“9. It’s so nice when you get the silent treatment. It means you don’t have to listen to their bullshit anymore.”
“10. I will never be over the hill. I’m too darn tired to climb it!.”
“11. When you’re drunk and about to pass out, but your friends say, “wanna go to taco bell?” so you’re like…let’s ride…”
“12. That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like, I’ve got nothing man!.”
“13. I was born to make mistakes. … Not to fake perfection.”
“14. If my body was a car I’d trade it in for a newer model. Cause every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires.”
“15. I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”
“16. I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.”
“17. Screw the padded room give me a trampoline floor with bubble wrapped walls and Velcro ceiling.”
“18. Nope, can’t go to hell satan still has that restraining order against me!!!.”
“19. “Did you just fall?” “Noo. I attacked the floor.””
“20. “He’s 24 months old” 2. Your child is 2.”
“21. I don’t even believe myself when I say I’m only going to have one beer!.”
“22. Get that treats or I pull the plug.”
“23. Checking your phone to see what time is it and then checking again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.”
“24. I’ve found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes.”
“25. I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “Premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.”
Short Funny Sayings
“26. I’m actually an absolute joy to be around. Try me on any day that doesn’t end with “y”.”
“27. Be with someone who brings out the best in you, not the stress in you.”
“28. When you already started eating and someone says “Lets pray”.”
“29. Discovered ebay sold the cat.”
“30. The problem with some people…. Is that they exist.”
“31. My boss hates it when I shorten his name to dick, especially since his name is steve.”
“32. I wasn’t mad then you asked me 10 times if I was mad… Now I’m mad!.”
“33. I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.”
“34. I wish I lived in a world where mosquitoes would suck fat instead of blood.”
“35. I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.”
“36. My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I know, right?.”
“37. If it weren’t for my granpappy in wwii you’d all be german shepherds.”
“38. I kitteh-proofed the whole damn house! Who the heck is gonna think of plugging the guitar hole!?.”
“39. Note to self: just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth.”
“40. I’m pretty sure if I smacked the stupid out of you there wouldn’t be anything left!!!.”