Top 75 Funny Quotes And Sayings Short funny Words “They say “Don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.”
If you are looking for a laugh then try this quote funny will make you laugh your day. Photo credits Pinterest
“1. Home: Where you can say anything you want, because no one is listening to you anyway.”
“2. I hate it when im singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.”
“3. Mexican word of the day: Brief when maria farts in the car, nobody car brief.”
“4. Dude you kicked the wrong ball.”
“5. I’m soft, furry, and adorable, and in return, you feed me that was our deal, woman.”
“6. Whoever said technology will replace paper… Has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an ipad.”
“7. The definition of beautiful does not require the word skinny.”
“8. If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, ‘haven’t decided yet.’”
“9. If I died I want my friends to keep updating my status to freak people out.”
“10. Sometimes, I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.”
“11. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects… Good times.”
“12. When someone tells you more information than you wanted to know and hurts your feelings.”
“12. When someone tells you more information than you wanted to know and hurts your feelings.”
“13. Warning: Due to the influence of hormones I could burst into tears or kill you in the next 5 minutes.”
“14. If I manage to survive the rest of the week, I would like my straight jacket in hot pink & my helmet to sparkle.”
“15. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.”
“16. I love you! Love you too too late! You texted me at 2:38, I replied at 2:40 what the hell were you doing at 2:39?.”
“17. I’m so sorry I heard your family got a cat.”
“18. Anger management when angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.”
“19. Every day, Thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon.”
“20. No, I haven’t seen your pills…. But have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?.”
“21. The answer may not lie at the bottom of a beer bottle but… you should always check!.”
“22. I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out!.”
“23. Instead of cleaning house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think wow my house looks great!!.”
Funny Quotes And Sayings
“24. If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?.”
“25. So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.”
“26. Didn’t care yesterday, don’t give a shit today, probably won’t give a fuck tomorrow.”
“27. I was hoping for a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.”
“28. Alcohol does not make you fat it makes you lean… Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.”
“29. I hate my job oh please!.”
“30. Don’t grow up, it’s a trap!.”
“31. Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they aren’t even listening.”
“32. I just checked my account balance at the atm. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.”
“33. Exercise?! I thought you said extra fries!.”
“34. Soft demon, warm demon, little ball of hate.”
“35. I didn’t say I would be nice, I said I would try… it was too hard!.”
“36. Every woman’s dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed… and clean the whole house while she sleeps. “
“37. I officially resign from adulthood. Decisions will be made using the eenie-meeni-minie-meo method and arguements will be settled by sticking out my tongue.”
“38. There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1) Morning people 2) People who want to shoot morning people.”
“39. The most expensive thing in the world is trust. It can take years to earn and a matter of seconds to lose.”
“40. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons… They forgot to mention morons!.”
“41. It’s Friday!!! Sorry… Just practicing for tomorrow.”
“42. Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.”
“43. Yes, we did wear some craze clothes in the 80’s. But at least our asses weren’t hanging out!.”
“44. Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.”
“45. Boy: I really don’t get why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it. Girl: You wear pants, don’t you?.”
“46. I didn’t know which stick you threw so I got them all.”
“47. Me? Mature??! Ha! I still laugh when the ketchup bottle “Farts”!.”
“48. I go to sleep so late and wake up so early that I almost cross myself in the hallway!.”
“49. Dear Lord, All I ask is for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make me a bad person!.”
“50. I love it when some one’s laugh is funnier than the joke.”
“51. I hate it when people are at your house and ask ‘Do you have a bathroom?’ No, we pee in the yard.”
“52. May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on facebook.”
“53. Brains are awesome I wish everybody had one.”
“54. Excuse me, but can goldielocks come out and play?.”
“55. Just checking my petco and tennis ball stocks…”
“56. Don’t lose hope. You never know what tomorrow will bring.”
“57. You remind me of my Chinese friend… Ug lee.”
“58. I’m a pretty nice person, but I also realize that if there were an asshole championship, I would place respectfully in my weight division.”
“59. Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.”
“60. No one notices your tears. No one notices your sadness. No one notices your pain… But they all notice your mistakes.”
“61. Things to do today: 1. Get up 2. Survive 3. Go back to bed.”
“62. Who left the bag of idiots open?.”
“63. Some mornings I have to add some magic to my coffee so I don’t bitch smack people.”
“64. The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”
“65. Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid things! You’re fired!.”
“66. If Monday had a face, I would punch it.”
“67. When life hands you lemons… Squirt them in people’s eyes.”
“68. You see anything? I wasn’t even looking, I thought we were in timeout!.”
“69. Life is a soup and I’m a fork.”
“70. It’s hard to find a friend that’s…. 96% Funny 98% Sexy and 100% sweet so don’t lose me!.”
“71. I’ve not lost my mind. Half of it just wandered off and the other half went looking for it.”
“72. If you say you’re cooler than me… Does that make me hotter than you?.”
Funny Quotes
“Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but I think it’s only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.”
- “Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone how much you love them and how much you care about them, because when they’re gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry, they won’t hear you, anyone.”
- “Do you ever write a really long message and about halfway through you’re like “you know what, they don’t even care” and delete it?”
- “That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.”
- “I love those random memories that make me smile no matter what is going on in my life.”
- “I love those random memories that make me smile no matter what is going on in my life right now.”
- “The police pulled me over and asked me ‘You know how fast you were going?’ I said obviously not fast enough because you caught me.”
- “My life is like a romantic comedy except there is no romance and it is just me laughing at my own jokes.”
- “I hate mosquitoes… I mean, I know I’m delicious but damn.”
“I don’t chase anyone anymore, wanna walk out of my life, there’s the door, hell I’ll even hold it for you.”
