If you need a pick-me-up or just love a good opportunity to giggle, these funny quotes and sayings will make you laugh. A list of funny quotes of the day, including ones that are for today, each morning, each day of the week, and even a few funny sayings of the day. Funny Quotes Of The Day Extremely Astonishing Every husband thoughts “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
Check out these funny quotes about today. We also have a list of Inspirational Quotes for Today. Here are the 70 most laugh and shareable with your friends and so on… Photo Credits Pinterest
Funny Quotes
“Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today and you make your tomorrow.” – L. Ron Hubbard
“Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.” – Jack Ma
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“What do you mean tomorrow is Monday!?! Memons.com it was just Friday a few hours ago!” ~ Anonymous
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking
“If you fell yesterday, stand up today.” – H. G. Wells
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ~ Anonymous
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright
“If I manage to survive the rest of the week, I would like my straight jacket in hot pink & my helmet to sparkle.” ~ Anonymous
“Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” – Bil Keane
Hilarious Quotes
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
“A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
“Hello, Friday! Few people understand the real essence of happiness. It’s not something you can demand from life but the ability to find the good in what you currently have.” ~ Anonymous
“Back in my day: we played outside, not online. Parents called your name, not your cell phone. And if you didn’t eat what mom cooked, you didn’t eat. Yes, I know I’m old!” ~ Anonymous
“Dear Thursday, are you sure you’re not Friday? Cuz I could go for it being Friday today! Nothing personal Thursday… It’s just been a long week!!” ~ Anonymous
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White
“You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White
“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.” Baltasar gracian ~ Anonymous
Funny Quotes On Life
“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson
“I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” – H. Kyle Seale
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” ~ Anonymous
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” Mark twain ~ Anonymous
“Skinny people are easier to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.” ~ Anonymous
“Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house. It worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked!!” ~ Anonymous
“Ahhh Friday… My second favorite word!” ~ Anonymous
Very Short Funny Quotes About Life
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” ~ Anonymous
“Work harder than yesterday and make today amazing because it’s Friday.” ~ Anonymous
“If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.” -James johnson ~ Anonymous
“Patient: the problem is that obesity runs in our family. Doctor: no, the problem is that no one runs in your family.” ~ Anonymous
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra
“Just once I would like to read a medication label that says: warning’ may cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles and increase energy.” ~ Anonymous
“What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” – Ralph Marston
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
Comedy Quotes
“One day I intend to be a little old person in a nursing home, that leads the rebellion and puts vodka in all the iv bags!” ~ Anonymous
“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” – Dr. Seuss
“When my kids become wild and unruly. I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” Erma bombeck ~ Anonymous
“My mother always used to say: the older you get, the better you gel, Unless you’re a banana.” ~ Anonymous
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” ~ Bill Murray ~ Anonymous
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron
“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” – Will Rogers
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
Funny Crazy Quotes
“Friends are people who know you well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey
“My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity… I said nope, we all seem to enjoy it!!” ~ Anonymous
“But it’s Friday” is a valid excuse for almost anything today.” ~ Anonymous
“The future starts today, not tomorrow.” – Pope John Paul II
“Saturday is the only day I am ok with people making plans without me one day.” ~ Anonymous
“Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” – Benjamin Franklin
“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich
Funny Thoughts And Jokes
“One day I intend to be that little old person in the nursing home that leads the rebellion and puts vodka in all the iv bags. Just saying!” ~ Anonymous
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis
“Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” Cindy Crawford ~ Anonymous
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” ~ Steven wright ~ Anonymous
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers
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Funny Quotes and Images
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Short Funny Quotes about love “They Said I could be anything… So i became… Sexy”
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Cute Funny Quotes about life “Whenever im sad, you’re there. Whenever im having problems you are always there. Whenever my life sees out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
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Cool Funny Quotes about laugh “If you fart loudly in public, just yell, Jet Power! and start walking fast.”
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