Sarcastic One Liners – Totally hilarious sarcastic one liners. A brilliant Sarcastic Jokes collection of the most funniest and witty one liners and quotes that will leave you Laughing Out Loud. Here are the 80 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm.
Sarcastic one liners seem not only to offer a wide grin to those who said it but also to people who meet it. Sarcastic comments will damage people’s feelings more often than not. So be vigilant where and at what you use them. Don’t use too much ironic saying and don’t use it with someone willing to hit you in the chest. Intonation, like in your voice rising and dropping, while sarcasm is the secret to making your words seem like jokes.
Sarcasm used intelligently can at times be quite comical. Considered as a kind of satire, it is mostly used for people’s enjoyment.
Let’s say that you sit at the breakfast table and turn to your brother and sister and say, “You missed whatever look you wanted,” or “I refuse to engage in intellectual battles with an unarmed man.” But be careful who you use the sarcastic terms.
Sarcastic One Liners
♥ It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
♥ It takes two to lie… One to lie and one to listen…
♥ Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
♥ Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
♥ My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them to shit in person.
♥ Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them…
♥ Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
♥ Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile on your face when pushed down the stairs.
♥ Facebook is telling me to ’reconnect’ with my brother…hmmm, I see him every day.
♥ Going to a temple/church/mosque doesn’t make you a human, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
♥ Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.’ – Chapman Cohen (1868 – 1954)
Sarcastic Funny Quotes
♥ Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. – Dilbert
♥ Always remember that you are absolutely unique… Just like everyone else…
♥ As the joker said if you are good at something why do it for free.
♥ You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live. ~ William Shakespeare
♥ God doesn’t measure His bounty, but oh how we do! ~ Mignon McLaughlin
♥ In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. ~ Robert Greene Ingersoll
♥ The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.~ Lily Tomlin Pacifism is objectively pro-Fascist…” he that is not with me is against me.” ~ George Orwell
♥ The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don’t think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. ~ Scott Adams
♥ Avoid arguments about the toilet seat…use the sink.
♥ don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught
♥ I like it. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
♥ I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
Sarcasm about Life
♥ Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.~ Brendan Gill
♥ Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. ~ Rita Rudner
♥ I’ve decided that perhaps I’m bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. ~ Paula Poundstone
♥ A small collection of the funniest and sarcastic one-liners on the web. Read it – enjoy it – share it.
♥ A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
♥ I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
♥ Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
♥ A conclusion is a part where you got tired of thinking.
♥ Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
♥ If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there’s a finite number of idiots. ~ Steven Coallier
Sarcasm about Love – sarcastic one liners about life
♥ love hurts. Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.~ Anonymous
♥ Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught a venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite. ~ Germaine Greer
♥ No Déjà vu, please…I Don’t want to go through that again
♥ Oh… I didn’t tell you… Then It must be none of your business…
♥ Oh… Sorry… Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
♥ To fall in love is awfully simple; to fall out of love is simply awful. ~ Anonymous
♥ Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
♥ People say that laughter is the best medicine…my face must be curing the world!
♥ Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids… … …Eat them!
♥ Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them…
♥ Shut up, will you?” “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?
♥ I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~ Rita Rudner
♥ Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. ~ Oscar Wilde
♥ If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. ~ George Carlin
♥ Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
♥ Suicide: Man’s way of telling God – ’You can’t fire me, I quit’.
Sarcastic One Liners – Sarcastic Jokes
♥ THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
♥ The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
♥ The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
♥ There is no ’me’ in the team. No, wait, yes there is!
♥ I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. ~ Stephen Bishop
♥ Love is a hole in the heart.~ Ben Hecht
♥ He loves nature despite what it did to him. ~ Forrest Tucker
♥ Think I’m Sarcastic? W0atch Me Pretend To Care!
♥ Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1-2.
♥ Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off…
Sarcasm about Work – sarcastic one-liners on life
♥ You can’t be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
♥ Don’t forget to hit the Like button, Comment, and Share for more Awesome stuff!!!!
♥ Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do. ~ Oscar Wilde
♥ These parts of the work should be called: The best means for getting a headache! ~ Vladimir Lenin
♥ Waitress: ’Do u have any questions about the menu?’
♥ A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time. ~ William C. Feather-
♥ Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. ~ Drew Carey
♥ If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is playing, and Z is keeping your mouth shut.
~ Albert Einstein
♥ We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
♥ WHY GOD? WHY ONLY ME? WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME… Didn’t we had a deal that I never get old :’(
♥ A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.
~ Zig Ziglar
♥ You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
~ Homer Simpson
♥ Me: ’What kind of font is this?’
♥ No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it fascinating.
~ Harold Rosenberg
♥ Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
~ Woody Allen
♥ A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
~ Alben W. Barkley
Sarcasm about Friends – funny sarcastic one liners
♥ I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
♥ We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends. ~ P.D. James
♥ No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. ~ Groucho Marx
♥ If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two…
♥ I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
♥ I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them that can’t.
♥ He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. ~ Oscar Wilde
♥ Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx
♥ True friends stab you in the front. ~ Oscar Wilde
♥ If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
♥ If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can’t speak English…
♥ If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
♥ I’m a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.
♥ Friendship is Love, without his wings. ~ Lord Byron
♥ Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate. ~ David Pratt
♥ An excellent man: he has no enemies and none of his friends like him. ~ Oscar Wilde
♥ I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
♥ I’m Only Here For The Free Food
♥ I’m smiling. This should scare you.
Sarcastic one liners on attitude – sarcastic one liners on love
♥ The wastebasket is a writer’s best friend.~ Isaac Bashevis Singer
♥ Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
~ Charles D’Hericault
♥ Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
♥ HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!
♥ I did t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian…
♥ I love my life, but it just wants to be friends…
♥ I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
♥ I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff… and I want it (:
♥ I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
♥ I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth
♥ I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold … … … and eaten… 😛
♥ Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
♥ If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
♥ Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really…
♥ Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software…it’s called #Monday, please fix it…
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
EPIC ONE LINEAS
1) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
2) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
3) I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
4) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
5) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
6) My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
7) Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
8) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
10) I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
11) I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
12) I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said,
“Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
13) Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
14) When in doubt, mumble.
15) I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
16) There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
17) A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “l don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
18) Just remember… if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
19) I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
20) You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
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Sarcastic One Liners
♥ Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
