Top 97 Funny Minions quotes and sayings “If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
Dear Lord, all I ask is for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make me a bad person! Photo courtesy Pinterest
Top Funny Minions quotes
“1. Hi spider, Nice spider, Let me pet you… With my foot! Good spider, Dead spider.”
“2. I have reached the point in my life when I’m not out to impress anyone. Take me as i am or it’s your freakin loss”
“3. My bank account balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft
“4. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much.”
“5. Lord, please give me patience because if you give me a strength I’ll need bail money too.”
Funny Minion Quotes About Life
“6. Don’t worry about I’m doing, worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”
“7. Take a breath and count to 10. Throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.”
“8. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are, courage to maintain my self-control and wisdom to know that is i act on it, i will go in jail.”
“9. Just in case no one told you today: -Good morning – You’re beautiful – I love you – Nice butt.”
“10. I hate it when people are at your house and ask “do you have a bathroom?’ No, we pee in the yard.”
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“11. What to do when you miss your ex? Reload and shoot again.”
“12. How fast can you guess these words? 1. BOO_S 2.__NDOM 3.F__K 4.P_N_S 5.PU_S_ 6.S_X Answers: 1.Book 2.random 3.fork 4.pants 5.pulse 6.six you got all 6 wrong. Didn’t you? You dirty minded freak.”
“13. Being single doesn’t mean no one wants you. It means God is still busy writing your love story.”
“14. I woke up this morning, I raised my arms, and spit! I bent my knees, and spit! I turned my neck, and spit! so, I have come to the following conclusion: the older we are the more we are cute.”
“15. Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass all I’m saying is, if you caught me then you were speeding too.”
Minions Weekend Funny Quotes
“16. The best things about the good old days were that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.”
“17. This was a terrible day. First, my ex-got hit by a bus. Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.”
“18. I wonder how cops on bikes arrest people. “Alright, how to get in the basket”.”
“19. Two blondes fell down a hole. One said: “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” the other replied: “I don’t know, I can’t see”.”
“20. I’m not fat I’m just easy to see.”
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“21. Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.”
“22. It hurts when someone you love says mean things like “It’s time to wake up”.”
“23. Don’t mess with me: I know karate, judo, Tai Kwon do jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.”
“24. I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.”
“25. Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.”
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“26. Lead me not into temptation… oh hell. Just follow me, I know a shortcut.”
“27. ANGER is that feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.”
“28. My curfew was lightning bugs. My parents didn’t call my cell, they yelled my name. I played outside not online. If I didn’t eat what mom cooked, I didn’t eat.”
“29. I’m a little smart ass, fat and stout. Here is my finger, here is my mouth. When I get all worked up I will shout, piss me off and I’ll knock you out.”
“30. Whoever said technology will replace paper… has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.”
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“31. A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and a friend like me… Well… that’s a sign of good taste.”
“32. I watch people and wonder how some of them found their way out of the birth canal.”
“33. When you cry nobody sees your tears, when you are worried nobody sees your pain, when you are happy nobody sees your smile, but you fart just one time …OMG….”
“34. Yeah, I’ve got O.C.D Old cranky and dangerous.”
“35. Let me check my giveashitometer. Nope, nothing.”
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“36. Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.”
“37. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
“38. I changed my car horn to sound like gunshots… People get out of the way much faster now.”
“39. I have taken myself hostage. If you ever want to see me again, send me $1,000 for ransom.”
“40. Police: where do u live? Me: with my parents. Police: where do your parents live? Me: with me. Police: Where do you all live? Me: Together Police: where is your house? Me: next to my neighbor’s house. Police: where is your neighbor’s house? Me: you won’t believe me if I tell you. Police: Tell me! Me: Next to my house.”
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“41. Carrots may be good for your eyes… but booze will double your vision.”
“42. If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty if you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.”
“43. There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1) Morning people 2) People who want to shoot morning people.”
“44. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons… They forgot to mention morons.”
“45. It’s Friday!! Sorry… Just practicing for tomorrow.”
Funny Sayings
“46. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“47. No matter how old I get I will always have to sing the ABC’s to figure out what letter comes next.”
“48. Warning! Bitching at me to do things won’t make me do them any faster if anything I’ll take even longer just to piss you the suck off.”
“49. Best Friends are like siblings from different parents. If thought bubbles appeared above my head I would be screwed.”
“50. Sometimes, the best revenge is to smile, move on, and do nothing.”
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“51. I’m a secondhand vegetarian cow eat grass, I eat cows.”
“52. My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I know, right?.”
“53. Beautiful Woman… She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens. She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she’s happy and laughs when she’s afraid. Her love is unconditional. There’s only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she’s worth! Send this to every beautiful woman you know. Remind her that she’s unique.”
“54. I will ignore you so hard… You will start to doubt your own existence.”
“55. Life is not a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.”
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“56. I should be ashamed of myself. Let’s be clear. I’m not, but I should be.”
“57. I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy & innocent… Oh, for heaven’s sake, stop laughing.”
“58. CAUTION you might get addicted to me.”
“59. ‘Dammit I’m mad’ is ‘Dammit I’m mad’ spelled backwards.”
“60. Good Picture With Me.”
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“61. Ooh who’s that sexy beast? Oh I clicked on my own profile again.”
“62. Exercise? I thought you said “Extra Fries”.”
“63. My brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die. But my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.”
“64. I can’t believe I work this hard to be this poor.”
“65. Research has shown that laughing for 2 mines is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.”
Minions Funny Tuesday Quotes And Images
“66. I tried to act normal, worst 5 minutes of my life.”
“67. Middle age. That time in your life when you finally get your head together and then your body starts to fall apart.”
“68. When I grow up I’d like to be a retired lottery winner.”
“69. Dear Best friend, Please stay in my life forever because you’re one of the best things to ever happen to me.”
“70. Me: omg now I get it! Friend: u get what? Me: you know, when things heat, they expand. Friend: and? Me: I’m not fat, I’m hot.”
Minions Funny Work Quotes
“71. I go to sleep so late and wake up so early that I almost cross myself in the hallway.”
“72. When you have a good heart; you help too much, you trust too much, you give too much, you love too much and it seems like you’re the one who gets hurt the most.”
“73. HOME: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.”
“74. In my family, if you’re normal then you’re adopted 🙂 LOL.”
“75. Never forget three types of people in your life: 1. who helped you in difficult times 2. Who left you in difficult times 3. Who put you in difficult times?”
Minions Quotes And Hilarious Sayings
“76. That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.”
“77. I’m alive! That’s about as much as you can expect from me today.”
“78. I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn’t.”
“79. Life is like a toilet paper you’re either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.”
“80. We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today. We removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change.”
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“81. Have you ever felt like you did everything right… and it still all went wrong.”
“82. Dealing with some people is like trying to nail jello to a wall.”
“83. Human logic: Cut the trees, made paper with them and write “Save the trees”.”
“84. Good Relationships Don’t just happen. They take Time, Patience, and two people who truly want to be together.”
“85. Coffee! Coffee!! It’s our drink! If we don’t get it, we can’t think.”
Funny Minions Quotes
“86. Single stress is now gone life is easier.”
“87. Great minds think alike… But dirty minds work together.”
“88. Hillbilly Motorcycle Cow-A-Socky.”
“89. Just because I can’t sing, doesn’t mean I won’t sing.”
“90. I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “Where’s my phone?” and it yells “Down here! In the couch cushions!”.”
Funny Minion Quotes Clean
“91. I’m not old I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck… Everything made this same noise: ‘crrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrcccccK!’ I came to a conclusion: I am not old, I am crispy.”
“92. I’m not fat. I’m just so freak in’ sexy it overflows.”
“93. A pretty face is nothing f you have an ugly heart.”
“94. Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic.”
“95. The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account… He started a go fund me page.”
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“96. And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.”
“97. Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.”
