Top 10 Funniest Quotes of All Time

Your complete guide to funny quotes, hilarious sayings, and witty comebacks for every occasion. Funniest quotes of all time. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” · “Don’t be so humble — you’re not that great.” · “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”

“The man who
says his wife can’t
take a joke,
forgets that she
took him.”
OSCAR WILDE

‘Fries or salad?’ sums up every adult
decision you have to make.”
– Aparna Nancherla

“I’m sick of following
my dreams, man. I’m
just going to ask where
they’re going and hook
up with ’em later.”
-MITCH HEDBERG

‘If you can’t
be kind,
at least be
vague.”
-JUDITH MARTIN

LIFE IS TOO SHORT
TO BE SERIOUS ALL
THE TIME.
SO, IF YOU CAN’T
LAUGH AT YOURSELF,
CALL ME … I’LL
LAUGH AT YOU.

Lazy
is such an
ugly word.
I prefer
to call it
selective
participation.

Filling out a credit card
application, my friend came
upon this question: ‘What is
your source of income?’
She wrote: ‘ATM.’

People say
nothing is
impossible,
but I do nothing
every day.

– A. A. Milne –

When my boss told
me this is the Fifth
time I’m late,
I smiled and thought
to myself, it’s Friday!

funniest quotes of all time