Here is a great collection of witty funny sayings that is sure to put a smile on your face. Easy to read a list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. Perfect for sharing, blogging, and tweeting. So to keep you healthy and happy literally, enjoy these 60 funny quotes
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1) I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder!
2) Money talks … but all mine ever says is goodbye!
3) I’m in shape … round’s a shape, isn’t it?
4) I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
5) Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.
6) I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
7) I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
8) My formula for success is to rise early, work late, and strike oil.
10) When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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11) I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
12) I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
13) Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
14) Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
15) I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
16) If Harry Potter’s so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight?
17) If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
18) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19) Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
20) Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
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21) The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
22) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
23) My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
24) War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
25) Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
26) We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
27) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
28) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
29) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
30) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
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31) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
32) If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
33) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
34) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
35) If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
36) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
37) Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
38) You can’t have everything….where would you put it?
39) You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
40) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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41) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
42) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
43) I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?
44) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
45) When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad to me.
46) God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
47) I’m an atheist, thank God.
48) Don’t knock on death’s door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that.
49) Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.
50) People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
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Short funny quotes and sayings “I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers…because I can always count on them.” It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. Human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete.A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire text.A man is still looking at his thumb.