A collection of Stephen Colbert Quotes about Christianity, Trump, America, graduation, truthiness, Jesus and much more. Prepare to crack a smile and laugh with our Stephen Colbert quotes. Stephen Colbert has been delivering side-splitting humor for decades. Find out what motivates his genius comedian with our Stephen Colbert quotes below. Who is Stephen Colbert?
For the best Stephen Colbert quotes on funny inspirational life words. Here we share 40 motivational funny sayings.
There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
-Stephen Colbert
In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ’Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.
-Stephen Colbert
So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
-Stephen Colbert
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
-Stephen Colbert
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy’s fear.
-Stephen Colbert
I want to thank Comedy Central for picking up the show, but more importantly, I want to congratulate Comedy Central for picking up the show.
-Stephen Colbert
In success, you wouldn’t be able to say I’m conservative or liberal. I’m part of the blame-America-last crowd.
-Stephen Colbert
Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
-Stephen Colbert
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
-Stephen Colbert
I can’t prove it, but I can say it.
-Stephen Colbert
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
-Stephen Colbert
I don’t think he’s necessarily a Republican or Democrat, … He is part of the `Blame America Last’ crowd. Mostly, he just wants to get those bastards — whoever they are. They know who they are, and they know they’re going to get gotten.
-Stephen Colbert
I wrote things for the school’s newspaper, and – like all teenagers – I dabbled in poetry.
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.
-Stephen Colbert
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
-Stephen Colbert
Equations are the devil’s sentences.
-Stephen Colbert
There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
-Stephen Colbert
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday — no matter what happened Tuesday.
-Stephen Colbert
Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
-Stephen Colbert
I like the fact of John McCain’s head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush’s butt!
-Stephen Colbert
If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
-Stephen Colbert
If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I’d be broke.
-Stephen Colbert
Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!
-Stephen Colbert
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
-Stephen Colbert
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn’t like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
-Stephen Colbert
You shouldn’t listen to us at all if you’re looking for information. We don’t take ourselves seriously on any level; we’re just comedians.
-Stephen Colbert
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
-Stephen Colbert
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.
-Stephen Colbert
Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.
-Stephen Colbert
Jon always said ‘The Daily Show’ has no political impact, … We’re going to go ahead and pick up that gauntlet and change the world!
-Stephen Colbert
Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
-Stephen Colbert
Tomorrow you’re all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody’s high!
-Stephen Colbert
Late-night shows are ‘Chopped.’ Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds, and gummy bears. There, make a show … Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That’s what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor.
-Stephen Colbert
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say ‘no.’ But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow.
-Stephen Colbert
We have this idea in our minds that there’s this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics – not just church and state, but it’s also there’s a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there isn’t.
-Stephen Colbert
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love the community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
-Stephen Colbert
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn’t like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
-Stephen Colbert
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