60 Funny Golf Quotes of All Time

Funny Golf Quotes: If you consider yourself a golf enthusiast and believe you know everything there is to know about the game, you are mistaken. Check out our top 60 funny quotes about Golf!

Funny Golf Quotes

Being armed with an array of funny golf sayings and quotes can provide a good dose of comic relief to your golf game. If you can’t laugh at yourself.

14 Funny Golf Quotes

  • “I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose.” ~ GERALD R. FORD
  • “Golf is a dumb game. Hitting the ball is the fun part of it, but the fewer times you hit the ball the more fun you have. Does that make any sense?” ~ LOU GRAHAM
  • “I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that, I have a caddie.” ~ ВОВ НОРЕ
  • “When you play so badly you just want to die, it’s parred for the corpse.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKY
  • “The world’s No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world’s No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.” ~ DAVID FEHERTY

Funny Golf Quotes of All Time

  • “Based on how you keep score, it will take three fine shots to get there in two, sir.” ~ A SCOTTISH CADDY
  • “Had you ever thought of playing the Tour? You could give everyone lessons on how to starve to death.” ~ FURMAN BISHER
  • “Golf is not a game, it’s bondage. It was devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.” ~ JIM MURRAY
  • “You can make a lot of money at this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works.” ~ LEE TREVINO
  • “If you wish to hide your character, do not play golf.” ~ PERCY BOOMER
  • “Golf is like a love affair. If you don’t take it seriously, it’s no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.” ~ ARTHUR DALEY
  • “I didn’t say it was your fault I had a bad drive, I said I was blaming you.” ~ BEVERLE OSTROFSKY

11 Funny Golf One Liners

  • “A wrong decision is generally less disastrous than indecision.” ~ BERNHARD LANGER
  • “Golf is the hardest game in the world. There is no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place.” ~ BEN CRENSHAW
  • “I think I know the answer to your putting problems. You need to hit the ball closer to the hole.” ~ VALERIE HOGAN to her legendary husband Ben
  • “1.com Real golfers have two handicaps- one for bragging and one for betting.” ~ ANONYMOUS
  • “I have played [golf] for 20 years, but I have recently made a discovery. I hate it.” ~ REX BEACH

Funny Golf Quotes of All Time 2

  • “He has won almost as much money playing golf as I’ve spent on lessons.” ~ BOB HOPE, joking about Arnold Palmer
  • “Hitting a golf ball correctly is the most sophisticated and complicated maneuver in all of the sports, with the possible exception of eating a hot dog at a ball game without getting mustard on your shirt.” ~ RAY FITZGERALD
  • “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea of how to play.” ~ GARY PLAYER
  • “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” ~ HANK AARON
  • “I played so bad, I got a get-well card from the IRS.” ~ JOHNNY MILLER

9 Funny Golf Jokes

  • “They say ‘practice makes perfect.’ Of course, it doesn’t. For the vast majority of golfers, it merely consolidates imperfection.” ~ HENRY LONGHURST
  • “The only person that can change your golf swing can be found in the mirror.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKY
  • “Don’t be in such a hurry. That little white ball isn’t going to run away from you.” ~ PATTY BERG
  • “Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” ~ PAUL HARVEY

Funny Golf Quotes of All Time 3

  • “For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.” ~ DAVE BARRY
  • “There are probably some things I could do to keep my flexibility up, but I’d rather smoke, drink diet Cokes and eat.” ~ JOHN DALY
  • “I played golf. I did not get a hole-in-one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell, Fore! but I was too busy mumbling, There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him! MITCH HEDBERG
  • “I’m not insulting your golf game, I’m describing it.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKÝ

12 Funny Golf Quotes For Instagram

  • “Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players lie well.” ~ ART ROSENBAUM
  • “A sand trap is a deep depression of sand filled with golfers in deep depressions. HENRY BEARD The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.” ~AUTHOR UNKNOWN
  • “Being a left-hander is a big advantage. No one knows enough about your game to mess you up with advice.” ~ BOB CHARLES
  • “I don’t think I’d be nervous on the first tee at my first Masters. It’s always been a dream of mine to play in that tournament. I’d jump right past nervous and skip straight to violently ill, unfit to be in public 1:36.”
  • “Tick A bad round is like marijuana. You’re stoned, not having fun, but at least you know the suffering will soon be over.” ~ LARRY DAVID
  • “If there’s a golf course in heaven, I hope it’s like Augusta National. I just don’t want an early tee time.” ~ GARY PLAYER
  • “I finally lost my golf game. If found, don’t bother to return it. It wasn’t working properly anyway.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKY
  • “Funny Golf Quotes Golf is the only game in which a precise knowledge of the rules can earn one a reputation for bad sportsmanship.” ~ PATRICK CAMPBELL
  • “I realized that the secret to golf isn’t how low you shoot when it’s going good, it’s how to make your bad rounds better.” ~ NOTAR BEGAY
  • “That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.” ~ DAVID FEHERTY
  • “The nineteenth hole is the only one where players can have as many shots as they like.” ~ LOUIS SAFIAN

8 Funny Golf Idioms And Phrases

  • “A golf ball will always travel farthest when hit in the wrong direction.” ~ HENRY BEARD
  • “I’m going to file that shot in between Fuck This and Fuck That.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKY
  • “Am I a golfaholic? Let’s just say when my wife asks if I want to play around, I always hear play a round.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKY

Funny Golf Quotes of All Time 4

  • “I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.” ~ BOB HOPE
  • “I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.” ~ HARRY TOSCANO
  • “Golf is like taxes. You drive hard to make the green then end up in the hole.” ~ ANONYMOUS
  • “Fame is addictive. Money is addictive. Attention is addictive. But golf is second to none. MARC ANTHONY

10 Funniest Golf Quotes

  • “Golf is not a game of good shots. It’s a game of bad shots.” ~ BEN HOGAN
  • “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” ~ BOB HOPE
  • “I must play less to prolong my career.” ~ SEVE BALLESTEROS
  • “Today, I seem to have mixed up what shots I can do with what shots I can’t do.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKY
  • “It’s Star Wars golf, designed by Darth Vader.” ~ BEN CRENSHAW on the Stadium Course of TPC Sawgrass after it first held the Tournament Players Championship in 1982.”
  • “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to play golf and you won’t see him on weekends or holidays.” ~ MARC OSTROFSKY
  • “I don’t trust doctors. They are like golfers. Everyone has a different answer to their problems.” ~ SEVE BALLESTEROS
  • “The secret of golf is to turn three shots into two.” ~BOBBY JONES
  • “Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.” ~ ANDY ROONEY

Have some of your own quotes in mind? Let us know in the comments section below, we’d love to hear from you!!

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