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Jokes funny quotes to make you laugh out loud. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you. Check out these 150 funny quotes that will seriously make you laugh out loud and lift your spirits fast. Short funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke.
Funny Inspirational Quotes (Pun)
- Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
- The answer you’re looking for is inside of you, but it’s wrong
- I’m sorry if you were right, I’d agree with you.
- Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together!
- People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
(This joke won an award for the Best
Joke in a competition held in Britain)
Wife: U had lunch?
Husband : ( in a fun mood) U had
lunch?
Wife: I’m asking u.
Husband: I’m asking u.
Wife: R u copying me?
Husband: R u copying me?
Wife: let’s go shopping.
Husband: I had lunch.
Wife: Look at that drunk guy
Husband: Who is
Wife: 10 years back
he proposed me
& I rejected him
Husband: Oh My God
Husband: Call ambulance, fast!
I am having a heart attack…
Wife: (took his mobile)
Quick!! Tell me the password
Husband: It’s 0k! I am feeling
Better now.
LISTEN UP, GIRLS
Here are a few tips for when
you’re texting guys:
1 . Don’t expect a reply every five
minutes. The average Call of Duty game
lasts around 10 minutes.
2. Try to keep the texts short, it gives us
a chance to answer you during a kill cam.
3. Utilise naked pictures.
…Guys LOVE naked pictures.
Don’t break anybody’s
heart, they have only
one.
Break their bones, they
have 206.
Husband & his wife went for
Divorce at court.
Judge: U have 3 kids…How will
u divide them?
They had a long discussion with
his wife & said ” 0k, sir We will
come next year with 1 more
The joke doesn’t end here
9 months later…They got twins
I have 5 fingers for a reason:
My pinky finger
for my æst friend, am the premises never break
My ting finger
for that special boy, when t’,e time is right
My middle finger.
for that b*thes who pushes me to far…
My pointer finger
to pick my &aest fan*y members.
My thumb:
to show the rest to be okay
I hate it when people
are at your
house and ask
‘Do you have
a bathroom?’
No, we
pee
in the
yard.
Jokes Funny Quotes – Funny Sayings and Hilarious Quotes
I’m not clumsy.
It’s just the floor
had me the*es
and chairs are
bullies, & the
the wall gets in the
way.
Please note that
I am self
employed. So if
you see me on
my own, talking
to myself, please
do not disturb
cos I am having
a staff meeting.
A married man
took his side chic
on a date and said
to her, “babe tell
me words that will
increase my
heartbeat”, She
said, “your wife is
sitting behind us”
A 70 year old man asked his
wife, ‘Do you feel sad when
you see me running after
young girls?”
Wife replied, “No, not at all.
Even dogs chase cars they
can’t drive!”
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they
were drunk so he started the
engine & turned it off again.
Then said, “We have reached
your destination”. The 1st guy
gave him money & the 2nd guy
said: “Thank you”. The 3rd guy
slapped the driver. The driver
was shocked thinking the 3rd
drunk knew what he did. But
then he asked, “What was that
for?”. The 3rd guy replied.
“Control your speed next time,
you nearly killed us!”
The passenger taps his taxi
driver on the
shoulder.
The driver shits himself,
swerves, nearly hits a bus
and stops inches from a
shop window.
“F*ck me, you jumpy
aren’t you? r only tapped
your shoulder.’
“Sorry,” says the cabbie,
“It’s my first day. I’ve been
driving a fucking Hearse
for a tie last 26 years”
The other night, my wife
asked me how many
women I’d slept with. I told
her, “Only you. All the
others kept me awake all
night!” The doctor says I
should be able to see you again
in about ten days. The
broken arm will take about
a month.
A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says, “No butter for
two weeks!”
The little boy kills a honeybee
Dad says, “No honey for
two weeks!”
Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy turns to his Dad
and says,
“Are you gonna tell her or
should I do it?”
Funny jokes – very short funny quotes about life
Alcohol is not in
my vocabulary.
However, I looked
it up on
whiskeypedia
and learned if
you drink too
much of it,
it’s likely tequilya.
So, I’m in a bar and two very
large women with accents are
sitting across from me.
I say, “Cool accents, are you
two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them yells, “It’s Wales,
you idiot.”
So I said, “0K, are you two
Whales from Scotland?”
I don’t remember much after
that.
A woman goes out shopping wÄh her
husband and spots a pair of boots she
loves.
The husband says, ‘”No chance love,
they’re way too expensive,”
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling
asleep when the husband tries his luck
and places his hand on her hip and
then on to her thigh.
She turns to him and says, “l don’t
think so mate. If you’re not prepared
to shoe the horse then you sure as hell
ain’t riding it!”
I was walking home last night
and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery 3 girls
walked up to me and said that
they were scared to walk past
the cemetery this late at night,
so I agreed to let them walk
along with me. I told them, “I
understand, I used to get freaked
out too when I was alive.”
Never seen anyone run
so fast!
After English Exam
How Was The Paper?
It Was Easy But Question 5 Confused Me
What Was the question?
Question 5 Wanted The
Past Tense Of ‘Think”,
I Thought & Thought & Thought
And End Up With Writing Thinked.
One Hand on Pen, Other on
phone, One Ear on Lecture,
Other on Gossip, One Eye on
Board, Other on Crush,
Who says Student Life is easy?
WEARE VERY BUSY !!
Teacher: Define Brain?
Student: Brain is like the
Bermuda Triangle.
Information goes in and then.
It never found again.
Basically me at school all day:
met I hate all of you,
me: stop screaming you
saw your friend yesterday.
me: holy crap walk faster.
me: get smarter you idiot.
me: maybe if I hit my head
on my desk enough limes
I’ll die.
Wherever we keep d
money, our son steals it.
I don’t know what to do
about it, where do
I keep the money?
Keep it in his Books,
He Never touches them?
Husband is walking behind
his wife and says, “Your
bottom is getting so big it
looks like an old washing
machine.”
The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: “I’m not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You’ll have
to do it by hand !”
The Bride g The Croom
A groom waits at the altar with a
huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, “Why do you
look so excited?”
The groom replies, “l just had the
best blowjob I have ever had in
my entire life, and I am marrying
the wonderful woman who gave
it to me.”
The bride waits at the other end
of the aisle with a huge smile on
Her maid of honor asks,
her face.
“Why do you look so excited?”
My room is not dirty.
I just have everything
on display.
Like a museum.
My phone’s low
battery warning
is the only
warning
I take it seriously.
Dear McDonald’s.
Thank you for
not serving
hot dogs.
I don’t think
I could order
a super-sized
McWiener with a
straight face.
sincerely, dirty mind!
I don’t have to worry
about getting
kidnapped.
They would
bring me
back in
less than
an hour!
Sometimes
you will never
know the
true value
of a moment
until it
becomes
a memory.
This list of the funniest quotes is your complete guide to witticisms, quips, retorts, and pithy replies for every occasion that needs hilarious quotes.
I hope you have enjoyed reading these beautiful Jokes Funny Quotes, messages, quotes, and greetings. If you know more, share with me through comments and I will be happy to add them to my list.
