Your complete guide to funny quotes, hilarious sayings, and witty comebacks for every occasion. Funniest quotes of all time. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” · “Don’t be so humble — you’re not that great.” · “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”
“The man who
says his wife can’t
take a joke,
forgets that she
took him.”
OSCAR WILDE
‘Fries or salad?’ sums up every adult
decision you have to make.”
– Aparna Nancherla
“I’m sick of following
my dreams, man. I’m
just going to ask where
they’re going and hook
up with ’em later.”
-MITCH HEDBERG
‘If you can’t
be kind,
at least be
vague.”
-JUDITH MARTIN
LIFE IS TOO SHORT
TO BE SERIOUS ALL
THE TIME.
SO, IF YOU CAN’T
LAUGH AT YOURSELF,
CALL ME … I’LL
LAUGH AT YOU.
Lazy
is such an
ugly word.
I prefer
to call it
selective
participation.
Filling out a credit card
application, my friend came
upon this question: ‘What is
your source of income?’
She wrote: ‘ATM.’
People say
nothing is
impossible,
but I do nothing
every day.
– A. A. Milne –
When my boss told
me this is the Fifth
time I’m late,
I smiled and thought
to myself, it’s Friday!
funniest quotes of all time
