Top 100 Funny Quotes

Top 100 Funny Quotes voted by “If you can’t convince them confuse them.”

“If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, Don’t ask a stupid question.” photo Credits Pinterest

1. “I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode.”

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Top 100 Funny Quote #funny quotes about life

2. “*Boom* mom: what was that? Me: my shirt fell mom: it sounded a lot heavier than that… me: I was in it.”

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Top 100 funny quotes on life

What Was That?

3. “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”

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Top 100 funny quotes about friends

4. “Today, I will be as useless as the “G” in lasagna.”

5. “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch”

6. “Unless your name is google stop acting like you know everything.”

7. “Parenting is a lot like folding a fitted sheet, no one really knows how the hell to do it.”

8. “Quote of the year: When you are dead, you do not know that you are dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you are stupid.”

9. “The human body is 90% water so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.”

10. “H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k.= half of my energy wasted on random knowledge.”

11. “I don’t mean to interrupt people I just randomly remember things and get really excited.”

12. “Why be moody when you can shake yo booty.”

13. “Barked at mailman he said “how cute””

14. “Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.”

15. “The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”

16. “Hold on, I’ve gotta overthink about it.”

17. “If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.”

18. “One day… I’m gonna make the onions cry.”

19. “That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like, “I’ve got nothing man.””

20. “Let me check my giveashitometer. Nope, nothing!”

21. “Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s just not worth the jail time.”

22. ““There is no angry way to say bubbles.””

23. “I’m not weird I am limited edition.”

24. “If I say “First of all” run away because I have prepared research, data, charts and will destroy you.”

25. “I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?”

26. “Being a dick won’t make yours any bigger.”

27. “You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers.”

28. “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.”

29. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve got five fingers and the middle one’s for you.”

30. “I hope you step on a lego.”

31. “I’m actually not funny I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.”

32. “I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some from of permanently exhausted pigeon.”

33. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

34. “Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das, and das not good.”

35. “Think outside the box.”

36. “Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel. I like you.”

37. “Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”

38. “I’d take a nerf bullet for you.”

39. “The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.”

40. “Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change the toilet paper roll.”

41. “My parents accused me of being a liar. So I looked them in the face & said “tooth fairy, santa, easter bunny.” & walked away like a boss.”

42. “Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”

43. “If you can’t convince them confuse them.”

44. “Fastest way to mess up someone’s knock knock joke? “It’s open””

45. “Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.”

46. “Some people just need a high – five. In the face with a chair.”

47. “I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “you probably shouldn’t say that.” To what the hell, let’s see what happens.””

48. “I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this age before.”

49. “I hate it when people are at your house and ask ‘do you have a bathroom?’ no, we pee in the yard.”

50. “Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah me neither.”

51. “Its called karma, and its pronounced ‘haha fuck you’”

52. “Person: you’re ugly me: good, I was trying to look like you today.”

53. “If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.”

54. “I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary.”

55. “Chocolate comes from coco which is a tree, that makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.”

56. “Group projects help me understand why batman works alone.”

57. “Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

58. “People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.”

59. “People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.”

60. “You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.”

61. “To quote hamlet act III, scene III line 87, “no””

62. “My mother always told me if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all… And some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.”

63. “Don’t judge me cause I’m quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.”

64. “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, “plot twist!” and move on.”

65. “If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, ‘haven’t decided yet.’”

66. “The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I only asked for pizza.”

67. “If you were able to believe in santa claus for like 8 years, you can believe in yourself for like 5 minutes.”

68. “Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.”

69. “Do regular dogs see police dogs & think oh no it’s a cop?”

70. “I miss you like an idiot misses the point.”

71. “I don’t sing in the car. I perform.”

72. “Being normal?! I just can’t imagine how awful that must be!”

73. “I came. I saw. I made it awkward.”

74. “The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”

75. “Don’t bite your lip, I want to do that.”

76. “You’re like a sharpie – super fine.”

77. “One, two, three, four. I declare a tongue war.”

78. “Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.”

79. “Are you cold? Come sit in the corner… its 90 degrees! That’s acute joke.”

80. ““I saw that””

81. “I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say: “Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot.””

82. “I’m 97% sure you don’t like me but I’m 100% sure I don’t care.”

83. “Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil””

84. “Is your ass jealous of all that shit coming out of your mouth?”

85. “I run on caffeine, sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts.”

86. “Read this out loud! This is this cat. This is is cat. This is how cat. This is to cat. This is keep cat. This is an cat. This is idiot cat. This is busy cat. This is for cat. This is forty cat. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word only in each line from the start.”

87. “When someone told me I lived in a fantasy land I nearly fell of my unicorn.”

88. “Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?”

89. “My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.”

90. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”

91. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”

92. ““Trust me, you can dance.””

93. “If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.”

94. “I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.”

95. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words.”

96. “After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says wtf.”

97. “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

98. “In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”

99. “The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”

100. “Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel. I like you.”

101. “What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.”

102. “I wish common sense was more common.”

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Always Hardest Remaining 5 Days Of Week

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How My Winter Fat Gone

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Just High-Five

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Why It’s Called Karma Find It…

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You’re Look Like You

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I Know Who

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Why I Don’t Care Who

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Half Empty Or Half Full

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Don’t Avoid Collision

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You just Look And Haven’t Decided yet

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Is That I Only

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For Like 5 Minutes

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I Made It Awkward

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Stay Safe From Me

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Don’t Do That

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I’m 100% sure I Don’t care

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Just Sit, I Don’t Know

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Of Your Mouth

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Always i Run

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How to reduced stress in my life. just kill it

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Don’t keep Anyone

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Two Heart and One Wish

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My Calendar Always Said WTF.

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Beautiful Day

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