New Funny Quotes: Whether you’re stuck at work, waiting for your train, or just scrolling through your feed, you might need a little extra fun to make your day feel better.
This list of fun and funny quotes should make you smile and can also be used as captions and graphics for social media. With these 117 lines of reflection, humor, and real life, you can sit back, relax, and add a little comedy to your life.
12 New Funny Quotes
Funny Quotes “My advice to you is to get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”
- “Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on the old.”
- “In you know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those.”
- “Sometimes, I use big words I don’t always fully understand. To make myself sound more photosynthesis.”
- “Because those resolutions aren’t going to break themselves.”
- “On new years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.”
- “I’m no spring chicken, but I’m still kickin’.”
- “If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
- “I’m gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I’ll say. I ordered this a year ago, lol.”
- “To my friends. I wish you peace, love, and health. Blah, blah… Screw that! I wish you lots of sex, booze, and orgasms and hope you win the lotto.”
- “Before I get drunk, dance on the bar, lose my phone, get naked, and get arrested, let me wish you a happy new year.”
- “My new year’s resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits but then it occurred to me-no one likes a quitter.”
- “So I promised a list of new year’s resolutions here’s the first: stop procrastinating so much. I’ll post the rest tomorrow or maybe the day after.”
14 Funny quotes about life
Funny quotes about life “The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” —Mark Twain
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
- “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” —Damien Fahey
- “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous
- “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton
- “Always end the day with a positive thought. No matter how hard things were, tomorrow’s a fresh opportunity to make it better.”
- “Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. Mark Twain”
- “Happy new year whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me so that I can find my way back.”
- “Cheers to those who are walking into 2023 single.”
- “The cat, it is well to remember, remains the friend of man because it pleases him to do so and not because he must.”
- “I am not the archetypal leading man. This is mainly for one reason: as you may have noticed, I have no hair. – Patrick Stewart”
- “I promised myself I’d do things differently today, so I’m sitting at the other end of my couch.”
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams”
- “Once upon a time I was hungry and that’s what happened to your chocolate.”
13 Funny work quotes
Funny quotes about work “To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth.” – Pearl S. Buck
- “Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space - “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen
- “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” —Robert Benchley
- “All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko.
- “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome
- “Some people are like slinkies not good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.”
- “I yell “stay” at objects that keep falling over your cup.”
- “I can be social. Today I meowed at my cat and he meowed back.”
- “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. -Oscar Wilde”
- “This new year may all your troubles vanish like magic. May you reach out to great glories and achieve all that you desire. Happy new year.”
- “Many years ago 7 resolved never to bother with new year’s resolutions, and ve stuck with it ever. Dave beard”
11 Funny Quotes About Aging
Funny Quotes About Aging “Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.” – John Lennon
- “I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” – George Burns
- “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” – George Burns
- “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?” – Satchel Paige
- “The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.” – Doris Day
- “By the time you’re years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George Burns
- “I love everybody some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.”
- “You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. Don’t you find something? Mom.”
- “When my boss asked me who is the stupid one me or him? I told him everyone knows fb.com/minionquote that he doesn’t hire stupid people.”
- “I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older now I’m older… And it sucks.”
17 Funny motivational quotes
Funny motivational quotes · “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” — Mark Twain
- “I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.”
- “Early to bed, and early to rise proves that. The person has no internet connection!!!:)”
- “Two golden rules to a happy marriage: 1. The wife is always right. 2. When you feel she is wrong slap yourself and reread rule number 1.”
- “When I get a headache. I take 2 aspirins and keep them away from children just like it says on the bottle!”
- “I need a 6-month vacation twice a year! Anyone else with me on this?”
- “Tonight, before you go to sleep, think of something that makes you smile. There is always something, no matter how bad your day may have been. You will sleep better, you will feel better once you wake and you will face your new day with a positive mind. Take charge of your happiness.”
- “When I was younger, we didn’t have behavioral disorders. They called it “being a brat” it was as simple as that!”
- “Just because I can’t sing, doesn’t mean I won’t sing.”
- “I wish my wallet came with free refills.”
- “Bra sizes almost boobs. B-barely boobs. C-cant complains. D-dang. Dd-double dang. E-enormous. F-fake g-get a reduction. H-help me I’ve fallen and can’t get up.”
8 Funny family quotes
Funny family quotes “Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” — Wayne Huizenga
- “Housework no one notices when you go do it, but everyone notices it when you don’t!”
- “I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which three were interested, I said love the gas, electric, and cable.”
- “The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of new yorkers common sense snuck in at number 79. Douglas Adams”
- “Now that I’m quarantined, I finally realize that my only true hobbies were shopping and eating out.”
- “If at first, you don’t succeed.. Try doing it the way your wife told you.”
- “My goal this weekend is to move only enough so people know I’m not dead.”
- “What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “k” instead of “ok”?”
15 Funny holiday quotes
Funny holiday quotes “Peace. it does not mean being in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they are.”
- “I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.”
- “In the not too distant future, youtube, Twitter & Facebook will merge to form one giant, idiotic, super time-wasting website called: “youtwitface”
- “Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.”
- “If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”
- “I know the voices in my head aren’t real….. But sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!”
- “My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.”
- “They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.”
- “My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s riding a turtle, and lost.”
- “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
6 Funny Crazy Quotes
Funny Crazy Quotes “Even though you’re growing up, you should never stop having fun.” – Nina Dobrev.
- “Yeah, I’ve got o.c.d old cranky and dangerous.”
- “At night: can’t find a single comfortable sleeping position… In the morning: every position is comfortable.”
- “Benefits of laughing -reduces heart disease -natural pain killer -improves breathing -helps you lose weight -gives good sleep -decreases stress -makes you look younger happy li images there’s no reason not to laugh.”
- “Ladies ….. Marry a man who is older than u, so that by the time u start losing your beauty….he is also losing his eyesight.”
- “Men say that women should come with instructions… What’s the point of that? Have you ever seen a man read the instructions?”
- “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
