1. “Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.”

2. “Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.”

3. “My wife isn’t fragile like a flower she is fragile like a bomb”

4. “The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

5. “Shhh. no one cares.”

6. “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea… But I drink coffee. So fuck them.”

7. “Education is important but beer is importanter”

8. “I just read that last year 4,213,257 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

9. “Next time I lose my mind I swear I’m not even going to look for it anymore.”

10. “My stomach is flat. The L is just silent.”

11. “Good friends don’t let you do stupid things … alone”

12. “Back in my day we didn’t have as many warning labels. People weren’t so fucking stupid.”

13. “My psychology professor said “When you fall in love with someone, you aren’t interested in anyone else. If you are, you aren’t in love” and I think everyone needs to hear that.”

14. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to god. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

15. “Life is like diarrhea, no matter how hard you try and stop it. The sh!t just keeps coming!”

16. “I licked it, so it’s mine”

17. “I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a fucking lady.”

18. “I never knew I could feel so much pain, and yet be so in love with the person causing it.”

19. “99! of my socks are single and you don’t see them crying about it.”

20. “My alone time is for everyone’s safety.”

21. “To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.”

22. “Here’s your knife back, I finally got it out of my back. I’m sure you’ll be needing it again soon.”

23. “When I say: ‘I’m just going to the toilet’, my kids hear… ‘family meeting assemble in the bathroom now!’”

24. “Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the virgin Isles? Same thing – not one canary there either!”

25. “My momma didn’t raise a fool. A fucking psycho maybe, but no fool.”

26. “I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.”

27. “A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says ‘wasn’t that fun?”

28. “Sometimes you need to look at life from a different perspective”

29. “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch”

30. “I’m just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.”

31. “Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.”

32. “I put my scale in the bathroom corner, and that’s where that bitch will stay until she apologizes.”

33. “Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head.”

34. “You sir are the human version of period cramps”

35. “When life knocks you down, stand the fuck up and say, “You hit like a bitch.”

36. “I don’t treat people badly, I treat them accordingly”

37. “I’ve reached that age where my brain went from “You probably shouldn’t say that” …to… “What the hell, let’s see what happens””

38. “Life is not a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow!”

39. “I hate the phrase “kids will be kids” I think it should be replaced with “Bad parenting results in assholes””

40. “I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.”

41. “I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?”

42. “Listen , I still want to be invited but I’m not coming.”

43. “Everyone wants to eat but few are willing to hunt”

44. “Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear makeup, and boys lie.”

45. “Just once in my life, I’d actually like to see a liar’s pants catch on fire.”

46. “Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn’t mean you have to attend the performance.”

47. “Dad, he’s hitting me! Dad, tell her to stay on her own side! Ouch! Stop it! Three junior meals and a vasectomy, please”

48. “Every woman’s dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed… and clean the whole house while she sleeps.”

49. “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.”

50. “The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will never get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the best of you, not the hurt you! Never forget that.”