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45 Funny Jokes Minions Quotes With Minions

We have it here right at our disposal! So sit back, relax, and enjoy. These Top Minions Cute Quotes are especially for you that will make you laugh and happy for the whole day. See more ideas about Funny, Minions funny, Funny minion quotes.

45 Funny Jokes Minions Quotes With Minions 1

1. “I want to make my name on Facebook “Nobody” so when I see someone post something stupid, I can like it and it will say: “Nobody liked this”

2. “Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I’m ducking so it hits someone else!”

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3. “The hardest part of my job is.. Being nice to stupid people.”

4. “Can you die from constipation? I’m a little worried about how full of shit some people are.”

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5. “Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”

6. “I watch people and wonder how some of them found their way out of the birth canal!”

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7. “Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said: Disneyland left. So they started crying and headed home.”

8. “Admit it you’ve done one of these: 1) Walked into a room, forgot what you needed, walked out, and then remembered. 2) When you were younger, drew the sun in the corner of the paper 3) When you were little, thought the shape of a real heart was actually 4) Closed the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off. 5) Tried to balance the light, between the on & off”

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9. “I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.”

10. “How normal people check their pen for ink how I check my pen for ink”

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11. “When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.”

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12. “Once in a while someone amazing comes along, and here I am.”

13. “Disease: Idiotitis causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands affected. Might be contagious best defense: Slap and run.”

14. “I would lose weight but I hate losing…”

15. “If pooping is a call of nature. Does that mean farting is a missed call?”

16. “Dear parents, Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. You can’t blame us. We were taught to rebel from a young age.”

17. “Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.”

18. “It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF”

19. “The older you get the more dangerous it is to sneeze!”

20. “If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square”

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21. “I hate when I forget to press send and I’m sitting there like an idiot waiting for a reply.”

22. “Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “Push”.”

23. “I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee, headache? Drink coffee, cold? Drink coffee, someone makes you angry? Bust them in the head with the cup!”

24. “Saying, “ I’m almost there! When you actually haven’t even left the house.”

25. “Back in my day: We played outside, not online. Parents called your name, not your cell phone. And if you didn’t eat what mom cooked, you didn’t eat. Yes, I know I’m old!”

26. “I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date, with frequent sneezes.”

27. “Don’t mind me, I’m just returning your nose. I found it in my business again.”

28. “I’ve noticed the squirrels are beginning to gather nuts for the winter… A couple of my friends are missing. Are you in a safe place?”

29. “I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed asleep”

30. “Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.”

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31. “I hate mosquitoes. I mean I know I’m delicious but damn!”

32. “Me? Mature??! Ha! I still laugh when the ketchup bottle “Farts”!”

33. “When I first started my job: What needs to be done? What else I can do to help? Me now: Fire me, I fucking dare you”

34. “Apparently, I have an attitude. Who knew!”

35. “I’m an odd combination of “Really sweet” and “Don’t mess with me””

36. “The real definition of “Never mind” is “You should’ve listened the first time.”

37. “My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.”

38. “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”

39. “My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: “At the end of this ruler there’s an idiot!” I got detention after asking which end.”

40. “Don’t just assume that when I’m angry, I’m on my period. Otherwise when you’re sleeping I’ll just “Assume” you’re dead and bury you in my backyard.”

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41. “If I died I want my friends to keep updating my status to freak people out.”

42. “ “Username or password incorrect.” …Well at least tell me which one it is.”

43. “I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient I will get to you shortly.”

44. “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge???”

45. “Being able to respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.”

46. “Math the only place where people buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why…”

47. “When I die, I want my tombstone to offer free WIFI, just so people will visit more often.”

48. “I would like to think I would die a heroic death, but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.”

49. “My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.”

50. “Some people call me crazy. I prefer the term happy with a twist.”

51. “People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.”

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