The Best Collection Of Chuck Norris Jokes!
Chuck Norris Once Killed Two Stones With One Bird. Here are the best new jokes to keep in your back pocket, so you can try to top your friends the next time the subject of Chuck comes up.
Chuck Norris Jokes
#1. “Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.”
#2. “Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.”
#3. “The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.”
#4. “On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.”
#5. “If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.”
#6. “Whenever Chuck Norris leaves a room the Foo Fighters’ “My Hero” starts to play out of nowhere.”
#7. “Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
#8. “When Chuck Norris went to Burger King and ordered a big mac, they made it for him, perfectly.”
#9. “Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.”
#10. “If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.”
#11. “In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.”
#12. “Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.”
#13. “Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.”
#14. “Chuck Norris once spun a ball on his finger, to this day planet earth continues to turn.”
#15. “Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.”
#16. “Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.”
#17. “Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.”
#18. “Chuck Norris had a staring competition with the sun and won.”
#19. “The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.”
#20. “The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.”
#21. “Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.”
#22. “The Nazis surrendered May 7th, 1945, this is not a coincidence.”
#23. “Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.”
#24. “Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.”
#25. “Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.”
#26. “Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.”
#27. “Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.”
#28. “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”
#29. “Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.”
#30. “Chuck Norris can drown a fish.”
#31. “When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.”
#32. “In an average living room, there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.”
#33. “Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it with himself in it.”
#34. “Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.”
#35. “Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.”
#36. “Chuck Norris’s belly button is a power outlet.”
#37. “He always scares the crap out of it.”
#38. “The laws of physics always bend the rules for Chuck Norris.”
#39. “Chuck Norris has a bear rug on his lounge floor.”
#40. “The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.”
#41. “The Great Wall of China was created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.”
#42. “Tornados don’t exist, Chuck Norris just really doesn’t like trailer parks.”
#43. “Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.”
#44. “Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.”
#45. “Chuck Norris has counted to infinity more than once.”
#46. “Chuck Norris knows exactly what to do with the drunken sailors early in the morning.”
#47. “In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.”
#48. “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.”
#49. “Chuck Norris can pull a wheelie when riding a unicycle.”
#50. “We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.”
#51. “Chuck Norris once went skydiving but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.”
#52. “The bear is still alive, it is just afraid to move.”
#53. “Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.”
#54. “Chuck Norris was born with two umbilical cords, one red, and one blue. The bomb squad cut the wrong cord.”
#55. “Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of the rain.”
#56. “Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.”
#57. “Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.”
#58. “Chuck Norris doesn’t need to wear a watch, he simply decides what time it is.”
#59. “If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.”
#60. “Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.”
#61. “Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.”
#62. “Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.”
#63. “Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet.”
#64. “Somebody asked Chuck Norris how many press-ups he could do, Chuck Norris replied “all of them”.”
#65. “Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.”
#66. “Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.”
#67. “Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.”
#68. “When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.”
#69. “The day after Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home, he wanted her to get some rest.”
#70. “The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.”
#71. “Chuck Norris makes onions cry.”
#72. “Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.”
#73. “Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.”
#74. “When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant, the waiter tips him.”
#75. “If Chuck Norris was on The Titanic the iceberg would have dodged the ship.”
#76. “Chuck Norris makes a lot of money selling his urine, it is called Red Bull.”
#77. “Chuck Norris was born May 6th, 1945.”
#78. “Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
#79. “Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.”
#80. “Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.”
#81. “Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.”
#82. “The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.”
#83. “Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.”
#84. “Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, they are now just called “The Islands”.”
#85. “Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.”
#86. “A condom puts on protection to avoid becoming impregnated by Chuck Norris on date night.”
#87. “Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.”
#88. “Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.”
#89. “Chuck Norris built the hospital that he was born in.”
#90. “Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.”
#91. “Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.”
#92. “There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.”
#93. “Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.”
#94. “Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.”
#95. “Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.”
#96. “Chuck Norris can divide by zero.”
#97. “Chuck Norris played a game of rock, paper scissors against his reflection, and won.”
#98. “Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird.”
#99. “Chuck Norris can speak Braille.”
#100. “The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.”
#101. “There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.”
#102. “Chuck Norris doesn’t climb trees, he just pushed them over and walks over them.”
#103. “Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.”
#104. “Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.”
#105. “If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.”
#106. “Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.”
#107. “Chuck Norris wears a fanny pack and everyone else looks gay.”
#108. “Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.”
#109. “Covid-19 got a Chuck Norris vaccine.”
#110. “Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.”
#111. “Chuck Norris didn’t get a Covid-19 vaccine.”
#112. “If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.”
#113. “Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.”
#114. “When Chuck Norris divides, there are no remainders.”
#115. “When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.”
#116. “Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.”
#117. “Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.”
#118. “Chuck Norris eats his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns and dragons.”
#119. “Chuck Norris doesn’t go to the gym, instead he goes shoplifting.”
#120. “Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.”
#121. “Chuck Norris can make other people walk in his sleep.”
#122. “Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.”
#123. “Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops in the eye.”
#124. “Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.”
#125. “Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.”
#126. “Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best-served cold.”
#127. “When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck Norris said, “Say Please.”
#128. “Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.”
#129. “Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”
#130. “When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.”
#131. “Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light”
#132. “Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.”
#133. “Whenever Chuck Norris peels onions, the onions always cry.”
#134. “Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.”
#135. “Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.”
#136. “If he did, it would be only 8 minutes long. 7 of those minutes are for the intros and credits.”
#137. “When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.”
#138. “Chuck Norris has to carry a concealed weapons permit when he wears his regular clothes.”
#139. “Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.”
#140. “It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.”
