Top 57 Funny Quotes of The Day and Funny Sayings. Turn that frown upside down with these hilarious sayings about life, love, friendship, and work. “If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for like 8 years, you can believe in yourself for like 5 minutes.
A daily modern life we need some extra laugh. So we collected some extraordinary funny quotes and some saying about funny words for you. We’ve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever.
“1. Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn’t, stupid enough to do it anyway.”
“2. 3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “we have reached your destination”. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said: “thank you”. The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked, “What was that for?”. The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”.”
“3. No matter how good or bad your life is, wake up each morning and be thankful that you still have one.”
“4. I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability or size. I base it on whether or not they’re an asshole.”
“5. God has no phone, but I talk to him. He has no facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a twitter, but I still follow him.”
“6. Just in case no one told you today: – good morning – You’re beautiful – I love you – Nice butt.”
“7. Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar.”
“8. I had the right to remain silent… But I didn’t have the ability.”
“9. It’s so damn cold outside. I just farted snowflakes.”
“10. You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me… I’ll train you!.”
“11. The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.”
“12. If a clown fart does it smell funny?.”
“13. Caution: When someone says get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.”
Top Funny Quotes of The Day
“14. I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normally from time to time.”
“15. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid but it can muffle the sound.”
“16. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”
“17. Respect your parents. They passed school without google..”
“18. I am a very good person please don’t force me to show my evil side.”
“19. Trump sandwich – white bread – full of baloney – W/Russian dressing and a small pickle.”
“20. Me? Mature??! Ha! I still laugh when the ketchup bottle “Farts”!.”
“21. Perfect example of government helping…”
“22. Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth.”
“23. Shot my first turkey today… Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. I was awesome!.”
“24. Man arrested after selling farts in jars without a vending license “oh I’m sorry. I thought this was America.”
“25. Sometimes, all you need is a really good cup of coffee and 5 million dollars.”
Funny Sayings
“26. I hate when parents say, stop playing with your food. Like for the first 2 years, you made me think it was an airplane.”
“27. I don’t have grey hair I have wisdom highlights.”
“28. We should start referring to ‘age’ as ‘levels’. So when you’re lvl 80 it sounds more badass than just being an old person.”
“29. Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.”
“30. If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.”
“31. I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.”
“32. Never laugh at your wife’s choices you are one of them.”
“33. Marriage: when dating goes too far.”
“34. Some people remind me of old tv sets. You have to hit them a few times until they get the picture.”
“35. In bed, it’s 6 am you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 7:45 at work, it’s 1:30 close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 1:31.”
“36. A good thing about water is you can drink it at work. The good thing about vodka is it looks like water.”
“37. This two-hour meeting was almost as productive as a single, well-written email.”
“38. I hate when I’m trying to eat a salad and it accidentally falls in the trash and then I have to eat pizza instead.”
“39. If pooping is a call of nature. Does that mean farting is a missed call?.”
“40. I like the Titanic my favorite character was the iceberg.”
“41. I didn’t fart, my ass likes you so much it just blew you a kiss!.”
“42. When you’re looking for the remote and touch something weird between the cushions.”
“43. Hardest job ever: working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self-control needed.”
“44. Warning! To avoid injury stop telling me how to do my job.”
“45. My brain has too many tabs open.”
Short Funny Quotes
“46. The more I get to know certain people… The more I realize why noah only let animals board the ark.”
“47. And there goes the last fuck I gave.”
“48. Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.”
“49. Do you ever just wanna grab someone by the shoulders look them deep in the eyes and whisper… “No one gives a shit”.”
“50. If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If a problem can not be solved, what is the use of worrying?.”
“51. I hate when people ask me what I am doing tomorrow… I don’t even know what I’m doing right now!.”
“52. What if I never find out if I’m a puppy or a teddy bear.”
“53. People say, “go big or go home, “ as if going home were a bad thing. Hell yeah, I wanna go home. And I’m gonna take a nap when I get there.”
“54. The police pulled me over and asked me ‘you know how fast you were going?’ I said obviously not fast enough because you caught me.”
“55. Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It’s natures way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.”
“56. As a kid I think I ate too many rice krispies. Now all my body does is snap crackle and pop!.”
“57. I was just wondering… Does anyone else get road rage from pushing a cart through Walmart… or is it just me?.”
Funny Quotes
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” — Phyllis Diller
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers
“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb
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